For Fathers: Finding Your Way Through Grief After the Loss of a Baby
Grieving the loss of a baby is one of the most profound and challenging experiences a father can face. Many dads find it difficult to know how to cope, where to turn, or even how to express their grief.
The reflections and practical tips below come directly from fathers who have been through this devastating loss. Their words offer honesty, encouragement, and the reminder that there is no single “right” way to grieve.
1. Remember That Everyone Grieves Differently
“You just need to know that everyone is different. What helps one person is not always best for another.”
Your grief is unique. Some fathers need to keep busy, while others require quiet, private time. Give yourself permission to grieve in the way that feels right for you.
- Take time away from social events if you need it.
- Communicate your needs to family and friends so they understand how best to support you.
“I needed some private time to sort out what had happened.”
“Just because I didn’t cry didn’t mean I loved her less.”
2. Give Space to Your Thoughts and Feelings
It’s natural to have many questions after your baby’s death—some with answers, some without.
- Set aside time each day to reflect on your loss.
- Try journaling to make sense of your thoughts and emotions.
“I found writing in a journal helpful. It helped sort out my thoughts and feelings.”
3. Allow Yourself to Cry
Many men are unsure how to manage intense emotions. Crying is a natural and healthy release.
“A grief counsellor once told me that when I feel all choked up I should pant rapidly. These short breaths make crying easier.”
If you think you can’t cry, remember you still have the same tear ducts you had as a child—and they can be used in moments like this.
4. Express Anger in Healthy Ways
Anger is a common response to loss. You may find yourself angry at specific people, circumstances, or simply the world in general.
“When my anger and frustration reached a peak, I would swing a cricket bat at a tree. I know a dad who bought up lots of plates from garage sales and would smash them when he felt mad.”
Find constructive outlets for anger:
- Physical activity
- Creative expression
- Talking with a trusted friend (and if one person judges or criticises, find another who will listen)
“I went through a stage where I was really angry for a period of time… I was angry with the world… I had to work on it and accept how I was, and try to modify it.”
“The anger is not so much over what has happened but… you are angry about the fact that your baby has died. It’s your emotions doing irrational things.”
5. Face the Silence Around Baby Loss
Some fathers feel frustrated at how little pregnancy and infant loss is talked about.
“My frustration was when I was reading… that 1 in 4 pregnancies are lost. Why didn’t we know about this?… On the third day after my wife came home from hospital, that’s when we started to tell our story.”
“I was in the fire brigade when one of my colleagues went through a pregnancy loss… we didn’t know about it… No one wants to talk about it because no one knows how to deal with it.”
Speaking openly about your experience can help break this silence and may encourage others to share their stories.
6. Find a Support System That Works for You
Whether you reach out to other bereaved dads, attend group sessions, or work one-on-one with a grief counsellor, connection can make a difference.
“Just having a sounding board, someone to play back your thoughts helped me get things into better perspective.”
“Red Nose for us was… a lifesaver… to meet a whole heap of great people… who truly understand what you are feeling.”
“Red Nose helped us to stabilise and try again.”
“When we came to Red Nose… it’s nice to be able to come and talk to guys about this kind of stuff.”
“Our Counsellor took us all to the pub… It was like we were all married to the same woman.”
“It’s been three years since we lost our daughter… perhaps I should have gone to [a group]… Hearing stories of others… probably would have been helpful.”
“We found the group sessions… a great help… meeting parents in a similar situation… Obviously with people that… can understand.”
“I used to come along and I wouldn’t say boo, but I would sit in and take it in and it was so helpful.”
7. Recognise the Different Needs of Men and Women in Grief
Some fathers find it easier to open up when talking with other men who have been through loss.
“I don’t think men would… go by themselves. I wanted to support Rosie… You don’t want to upset her more… I found that I would rather stay quiet and just try and help her through.”
“I love the fact that… I got to have a chat… separate from our wives… But you feel the natural pressure that you are the one who has to do the funeral… You also think you need to look after everybody else before you look after yourself…”
8. Choose the Support That Feels Right for You
Support groups are helpful for many, but not everyone finds them suitable.
“I didn’t go to any support groups… I felt more… that I needed to go and find my own way and I did that by talking to mates… I don’t think we should be just pushing support groups… the more you push the more determined I was that I was never going to go to one.”
It’s okay to seek support in the way that works for you—whether through friends, counselling, peer groups, or private reflection.
Red Nose is committed to supporting families navigating the complexities of the loss of a baby or child. To access our specialised bereavement support including: counselling, peer support programs, support groups, and resources tailored to individual needs, click here.
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