Advice to Bereaved Parents About Relationships – a Summary

A Summary of When Relationships Hurt, Too

• Spend some time every day nurturing your relationship (without interruptions if possible). This could be doing the dishes while talking, going for a walk, catching up with the day’s events or just listening to music together. 

• Your relationship is NOT more likely to break down, although it will be strained in the short term

• Be patient with yourself and each other

• Accept that anger, being irritable with each other-is part of grief. Try not to take outbursts personally

• Accept that you will grieve very differently.
  • For example one of you may withdraw (stay in bed or the shed). One of you you may need to be with people to talk about your child over and over. 
  • Respect your partner’s need for privacy and time alone to reflect and rest.

• You don’t need to always be strong and hold back grief. Be gentle and kind to yourself and to each other. 

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There is no right way to grieve. 

• There is no right way to grieve. Sometimes men and women grieve very differently. During the early stages of grief, people react differntly. Some may stay in bed all day, other may fell the need to work, or be physically very busy and active. Culture, religion, personality, education, previous history of loss, family patterns,  all influence how different people grieve.

• It is ok to have distractions. It doesn’t mean you love your child less. You do not need to feel guilty.

• Be patient with your partner’s sexual needs – or lack thereof. Touch is very important. And it is distinct from sex, touching your partner could help give them energy. 

• Talk about your needs and feelings. Discuss what you think you can cope with and what you want. Be honest and respectful. If it is too hard to talk to your partner, some families find it helpful to write down their needs. It can help to share with your partner about your commitment to your relationship and what you admire about them

• Be an attentive listener to each other, “one who listens beyond words.”

What about Friends and Family?

• Reach out to friends and relatives who will listen. Try to tell them what you need from them. Sometimes families and friends will wait for a sign from you that it is ok to talk.

• Unfortunately, you may have to accept that a miscarriage, the death of a baby or child can bring into play society’s fear of death and loss. Many people will not know what to say or do, and as this makes them feel uncomfortable, some may avoid you.

• Be open to making new friends who “just know” how you feel and want to know and hear about your child. You may have to accept that some friendships will collapse -there will be people you need to avoid or spend little time with.

• Seek out positive people who can listen, not preach.

Coming together 

• Know that you will be forever changed. Life will be different, you might change your values, priorities, job, career, religion even your attitudes. Your relationship will reflect these changes.

• A crisis can often bring about the opportunity for change that, in the long run is positive and good.

• Maintain a relationship with your child- this is referred to as“continuing bonds.” Many families have share with us that it assists with their grieving journey. It can be helpful to continue to mention your child’s name to your other or subsequent children.

This article was prepared using extracts from When Relationships Hurt, Too. 

The full text is available online here or contact Red Nose Grief and Loss Services on 1300 308 307 for a printed version.

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