Liz’s story

Elizabeth is the proud Mum of four exceptional children. Her first baby, Jayden Peter, was stillborn at 28 weeks gestation. She shares with us what she wishes she’d known, and how her family have coped with grief and life after stillbirth.

Jayden's toes

Jadyen was so beautiful and so tiny, only 660 grams and perfect in every way.

The hospital where he was born were connected with Red Nose and tried their best to help me prepare for the grief that I would continue to feel. But I still wish I’d used Red Nose more. I didn’t utilise the services as much as I could have, or even should have. It is not until many years on I see the value in using the service to the fullest. I probably could have struggled less in my emotional journey had I been in touch with those who could have helped me.

I suffered from major anxiety during my subsequent pregnancies after we lost Jayden. My stress levels were through the roof, and I was fixated on wanting to make sure I had every piece of information that would help keep my subsequent babies safe from harm.

I followed Red Nose’s recommendations on setting up a safe cot and how to sleep your baby. For me, this was my staying guide, even when others would give me other ‘helpful’ suggestions. I knew what I was doing was right and safe, so I carried on.

After Jayden was born, I was diagnosed with a rare disease. I felt so much guilt, knowing that it was my body that betrayed both him and me. I fell into a deep depression. My husband and I have had to work hard to support one another as we both have grieved so differently. At times it was a sense of real discord, but Red Nose’s grief and loss resources helped us realise how to be more aware of each other’s mental states, and to acknowledge when we need help. That’s helped us put our commitment to each other first, even when it has been hard.

Jayden is buried near one of my favourite spots in the hills and we have some lovely family rituals to ensure that he is never forgotten. The first of these is always speaking openly about Jayden. That’s our way of carrying his name on and also letting our children know they have a beautiful big brother in heaven. We celebrate his birthday every year with a cake and we sing and have a nice dinner - we imagine what his favourite dinner would have been.

Often the kids talk about what he would have been like. They miss him and wish he was here to experience life with us, so we have a pretty open dialogue with them and those around us. I think it is really important to break down barriers and stigma that surround stillbirth and grief.

No matter how uncomfortable it can make people, we have to talk about the death of babies. We need to learn the signs and identify what the myths are so we can advocate for them during pregnancy. We need to keep educating people to reduce the heartache and loss of so many babies to stillbirth.

I’m so grateful for organisations like Red Nose working hard to make a difference to families like mine. For the parents who speak their child’s name, and to those who are still finding the courage to, you can find the support you need to get through this by reaching out to Red Nose.

* Elizabeth has written a chapter in a book called “Achieving Parenthood” which you can order on her website. A percentage of the proceeds will go to Red Nose.

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Last modified: 19/8/21