“Sailor was a beautiful, perfect baby boy, with big hands and feet. He had my husband Steve’s cupid bow lips. He had perfect little fingers and toes, we would have loved to have watched him play sport.” – Carlie, Sailor’s mother
Parents Carlie and Steve tell us their story of loss.
The birth of our baby boy Sailor Gray was to be one of the best days of our lives. Sadly, in November 2023, after a routine scan at 24 weeks, that moment in time became the worst day of our lives – our baby boy’s heart stopped beating. We found out from the midwives and obstetric team at the hospital that Sailor had passed away from sudden infant death syndrome.
Carlie: The midwives at the hospital gave us an information pack and contact numbers for the crisis care support lines. I also had a client who had lost her baby son, reach out and suggest the former SANDS (now Red Nose) support line.
The helpline was amazing for me. I have many good friends and an amazing support network, however I felt completely alone after Sailor died - no one I knew had been through what I was going through. Connecting with someone who not only cared about me, but also GOT ME, and understood to their very core how hollow and grief stricken I felt, gave me some comfort.
The Red Nose group sessions/support group helped both Steve and myself - it showed us that we weren’t alone and that other people just like us were going through the same trauma that we were. We received support across three to four months and it helped us immensely in our grief journey. In fact, we met a couple at these sessions who lived in the same suburb as us, and lost their baby boy around the same gestation as Sailor. Even being able to connect with another mum who loved her birth experience like me, felt really empowering and validated the fact that I had given birth to my son, and… I was a mum.
Carlie’s advice to other families who may be going through a similar pain right now
I would say the only thing that helps is time. I remember asking anyone who had experience with grief, “how can I move through this quicker?” and “what helps the pain go away?”. Much to my disgust, they all replied with: “time”. Their advice was true – time is the only healer.
I would throw yourself into all the support groups, call all the support lines, lean on all of your family and friends until one day your heart just feels a little less broken. Grief is a beast that you don’t want dragged around with you, so take all the help you can get. There is no “getting over it”, but you can get through it, and it does get easier.
On encouraging Australians to get behind Red Nose Day
We will both talk about Sailor and Red Nose a lot to family, friends, socials and encourage people to get behind the charity.
Last year, we held our first ever fundraiser for Red Nose Day to honour our son Sailor. We added a bit of fun, held a quiz night and we raised over $11,000 for Red Nose Day with the funds going to vital bereavement support services.
Steve: You often hear parents say that the birth of their child/children was the best day of their life, and they say that, because it’s the truth.
And it’s also true that worst day of a parent’s life is when that joyful day of a baby coming into the world is taken from them as a result of sudden infant death syndrome. To all the parents out there that have beautiful, happy, healthy children… enjoy them, love them but also spare a thought for the thousands of parents who have had that taken from them.
Please donate on Red Nose Day, so that organisations like Red Nose, can help grieving parents see the light at the end of the tunnel and one day find their smile again.
Our smile has returned this year – we’re expecting our rainbow baby. While we know nothing can ever replace our Sailor, we know he’s beaming from above with the thought he’ll soon be a big brother. It’s given me peace and confidence through my pregnancy to know there are support services through Red Nose for mum’s who are pregnant again after loss.
If you’d like to get involved in this year’s Red Nose Day, or set up your own fundraiser, visit rednoseday.org.au.
