Matt McConnell, dad to Wren, shares his story as a father of loss. Although he didn’t feel the same physical pain as his wife Madeline throughout the birthing process, he still experienced significant emotional pain that he will always carry with him.
A lifetime feels endless when you are trying to survive one day at a time — that’s how I felt after my wife Madeline and I lost our second child, Wren, at just 8 days old.
Number two. That’s the nickname I gave our second child, Wren, before she was born.
Wren was a beautiful baby girl with a full head of dark hair, she looked just like her older sister, Edie. She was perfect in every way, and nothing can ever change that.
Not long after we said our heartbreaking goodbye to Wren, our obstetrician put us in touch with Red Nose and the Hospital to Home program.
Wren Frances McConnell was born on Good Friday 2022. A cord prolapse led to Wren suffering severe hypoxic-ischemic encephalopathy (HIE).
Like any parent, we only ever wanted our daughter to live a long and healthy life. She didn’t get that. What she did get was a life full of love and tenderness from a family who had to quickly come to terms with her life being limited to days, rather than decades.
We showered Wren with love and precious memories that we will forever cherish before she passed away in our arms, at just 8 days old.
As a bereaved father, I know all too well the pain, sorrow and disbelief of losing a child.
Perhaps child loss is part of your own story? Or maybe you are one of the thousands of grandparents, siblings, aunts, uncles and friends closely impacted by a devastating loss.
Red Nose grew from families just like mine, who have experienced the tragedy of little lives cut short. They’re committed to providing first-class bereavement support to anyone impacted by the loss of a baby or child, for any reason. And for as long as they need it. They know how important it is to be there to help families through the darkest days of grief.
As a dad, or non-birthing partner, we often see and feel different things to our partners.
Although we don’t feel the same physical pain throughout the birthing process, we experience significant emotional pain that we’ll always carry with us.
Arriving at the theatre for Wren’s birth was one of the hardest moments of my life. I watched my wife Madeline being wheeled away to theatre. I knew that our baby’s life was hanging in the balance and I couldn’t help. I felt useless.
I was also so afraid for my wife. I didn’t know what was happening to her and if she was going to be OK.
I sat in the cold corridor on a chair and waited for what felt like an eternity. I hoped for the best. I couldn’t do anything else.
After Wren was born, we were taken in to meet with the doctor. We were told the damage done through birth was catastrophic and there was nothing anyone could do. Our little girl was going to die.
We spent 8 days by her bedside showering Wren in love before she passed away in our arms.
We were devastated. Our dreams were shattered. I couldn’t believe this had just happened.
I really struggled with the fact that I couldn’t ‘fix’ it. I knew I was about to embark on a lifetime without our daughter. And I didn’t know how to express my grief, because I hadn’t seen any other dads express how they felt after losing a child. I knew I needed help to get through this.
The compassionate people at Red Nose guided me through the grieving process and gave me confidence to share my story. I was also supported by Red Nose’s Men’s Monthly Online Support Group and a counsellor. These services were vital in helping me to process my grief after losing Wren.
Will you give a gift to help provide essential support services?
Your kind donation could help families by ensuring a network of Grief and Loss Services are always available, free of charge. No one should have to go through the unimaginable horror of losing a child. But if they do, you can make sure Red Nose will always be there to support them.
For grieving families like mine, finding others who have experienced something similar can bring so much comfort—and those who can understand and listen without judgement can make all the difference.
There are also services available to help parents with everyday things like returning to work — something that often requires additional support when facing grief.
Wren is included in every aspect of our lives, and always will be.
We paint our nails bright pink, as we have done since Wren was 2 days old in the NICU. I have her bunny tattooed on my forearm. Madeline has her name and birth flower on her forearm. We have photobooks dedicated to those precious eight days of her life.
I realised quickly after saying goodbye to Wren that what I saw and felt was quite different to my wife. We share the overwhelming love for our daughter, but how we deal with our grief is completely different—and there is nothing wrong with that at all.
That’s why telling my story of Wren is so important.
I have learnt to love the little things in life and to strive to be a better person. I take care of my mental health by talking. A good day is when I get the chance to mention Wren in conversation.
I am happy and sad at the same time. This is the grief that is also my daily life—but I am OK with that.
Everybody grieves differently. But what we all have in common is that it stays with you forever. You never get over it.
To others who may be going through similar pain, know there is an amazing community of bereaved parents out here waiting with open arms to welcome and guide you through the days, weeks and years after your loss.
I will always be Wren’s Dad as much as I am a Dad to Edie and Noah.
My love for Wren is as strong now as it was when she was born, and nothing will ever change that. I hope you can be inspired by Wren’s story to help you on your journey. One day at a time and one foot in front of the other. Please ask for help if you need it, and don’t be afraid to cry.
And remember, the 24/7 Grief Support Line is here for you, too. If you need extra support today or at any time, please call 1300 308 307 (during business hours AEST), email support@rednose.org.au, or click here to visit the Red Nose Grief and Loss website.