My husband Jason and I were so excited to share the news that we were pregnant. I had my 16 week scan, and planned to go back to work after the appointment to share the amazing news that I was expecting once again after recently returning from maternity leave, with our first daughter Amira, who is now 19 months old.
During the scan I watched our second daughter’s little heartbeat. I saw her little arms and legs move and her mouth open and close. I did not know this would be the last time I would see her heartbeat.
After the scan I was told that there were some concerns. There were signs of Spina Bifida - which was later confirmed - and brain malformation. I broke down then, and even now as I write this, I sit here crying thinking of that moment I knew that the worst was happening. I went straight to my obstetrician’s room and discussed the choices that we had. Due to the severity of the condition Jason and I made the choice to end our pregnancy – a choice I wish no parent should have to make.
Our beautiful Zara was born sleeping in 2023 on the 26th May – the same date as my birthday. We were able to spend the night with her, cuddle her and take photos. We told her how much we loved her. The medical staff were amazing. I cannot fault them and how accommodating they were to us.
We were also able to have a funeral for Zara which was the perfect way to show her how much we all loved her. Although the future we wished with Zara is no longer a reality, I am still able to dream of what our lives would have been like if she was here.
We still have many milestones to come, such as my due date, Christmas and more. I know that it is a long road that lies ahead. Sharing our story and reading stories of other people who have been in a similar situation reassures me that there is hope and that things will be ok – and it’s ok to be ok. Red Nose is a great organisation. They help families through the toughest of times, give them a voice and acknowledgement of their feelings and their little ones.
I’d like anyone who experiences loss to know that you will have your good days – and you will have your bad days. And that’s ok. Cry when you need to, laugh when you want to, heal when you can. And above all, don’t be afraid to ask for help – you are not alone.
To mark Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, throughout October Red Nose families are sharing stories to encourage conversation about pregnancy and infant loss.
To honour little lives lost, Red Nose are hosting Walk to Remember events nationally. Click here to find your local remembrance event.
The Red Nose Grief and Loss Support Line is available 24/7 for anyone affected by miscarriage, stillbirth, baby or child death on 1300 308 307, or you can visit our online support library.
October 15 is International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.