As a child, I would occasionally dream that some day I might write my own book. I didn’t realise that my first book would be Born To Fly as it would mean that I would need to experience deep heartbreak and go on a long journey of grief before I could write such a book.
Already a mother to two earth-side children at the time, I knew how it felt to leave a hospital with a baby in my arms and a life filled with hopes, dreams and memories to make. To then have to experience that intense, heartbreaking moment of leaving with empty arms is a memory that will stay etched within my heart.
Having already experienced three miscarriages, it was already difficult to get through the 12 and 20 week milestones, but I would breathe and push it aside and know that everything would be ok.
It had to. I had already been through enough loss, so I thought and truly believed that this little one would be coming home.
It seems that the universe had a different plan, because on February 10th, 2011 – I would give birth to my son, Jaye at 24 weeks pregnant. I left the hospital with empty arms and a broken heart.
I still remember the moment I saw him for the first time. I can still see his divine face and feel his tiny hands inside of mine. I held him for as long as I could. I hold these memories closely in my heart because they are all that I have. He knew he was loved from the very beginning and that’s all that mattered in that moment was for our son to know love. Pure love.
Coming home and trying to explain this loss to our other children who were only 6 and 4 at the time, was incredibly difficult. It is hard to navigate through your own grief whilst trying to nurture and protect the hearts of your children. Everyone is grieving, everything feels broken but we try our best to get through our days and ultimately, through life.
Grief can be very lonely and as we try to pick up the pieces and work through it, we can constantly be faced with new and difficult challenges each day.
We talk openly with our children and they have always felt connected to the brother that they know they have, but just cannot see.
As a family, we talk about Jaye. We say his name often and we celebrate his birthday each year with our continued traditions. We do this, because he is part of our family. I buy Jaye a book each year on his birthday so it was extra special this year to be able to read him Born To Fly.
I am an incredibly devoted mother and have always been the person who supports others but I knew that I now needed to take care of myself. To help me during this raw grieving period, I would write. Writing was something that helped me ride the waves of grief at any time of the day or night. 6 months after losing Jaye, I suffered another miscarriage before finally giving birth to our fourth child, another beautiful son in September, 2012.
Almost 3 years ago, I felt compelled to “just write”. It was a powerful moment as I knew those words meant something deeper. And so, I listened carefully… and I wrote. In that moment, the journey of Born To Fly had begun.
Born To Fly is a delicate story, written through the eyes of the child, I am simply the voice. Writing Born To Fly has helped me to look past the raw reality of absence and feel connected in other ways. Ways that may not be seen or heard, but felt from the heart and a gentle knowing that they are always with us, just in a different way.
It is in the simple things that come to us, whether it be in a moment, a feeling or simply a feather. If it gives you comfort or warmth, then it is valid.
My soul-wish is for Born To Fly to be readily available to bereaved parents and families after experiencing such loss because if it can provide others with comfort and hope, then I know that a child’s voice has been heard and felt.
It can be difficult to talk about loss, whether it is our own or the loss of someone close to us and sometimes its nice to know that there are resources available that you can read and share with family to help open those lines of communication and feel safe to grieve openly. Alone or with others, we all process grief differently.
Written, illustrated and printed in South Australia, I am incredibly proud of the journey that this story has taken me on. Sadly, I did need to experience deep heartache but Born To Fly has been such a beautiful chapter of my life – filled with emotion but also with joy as it begins to fly into the hearts and homes of so many bereaved families across the country.
I will forever be grateful to my son Jaye for taking me on this journey and I feel blessed that he chose me to be his mother. I will always ensure that his voice be heard.
Born To Fly is not just my story. It is the story of so many others who have endured the pain and heartbreak from a loss of any kind. This book is for all of us.
Creating this book has enabled me to do what I needed to do, to help me through this chapter of my life. I cherish the small things and feel very blessed to have all my children in my life – those you see and those you don’t.
A loss of any kind is heartbreaking and life changing. Grief is different for all of us and there are no rules and certainly no book to tell us what to do or how to be. It is your own personal journey and my hope is that you may find some comfort and warmth as you turn the pages of Born To Fly, just knowing that your child will forever fly beside you. Because we are family.
Born To Fly can be purchased at www.tamaraj.com.au
If you would like to donate a book in memory of your baby/child to a hospital, health clinic, bereavement centre or school, contact Tamara via email.