Bereaved mum and Red Nose Peer Supporter Tammie shares how she and her family get through Christmas, and how they remember their precious children, Charlotte and Austin.
The festive season was always my favourite time of year, my favourite holiday.
This was heightened in 2014 when we celebrated our first Christmas with our first child, Charlotte. Seeing the joy and wonder through their eyes made everything better.
But in 2015, our world was torn apart. We lost our gorgeous, healthy 16-month-old daughter Charlotte to a common cold.
That year, when we should have been preparing for her second Christmas, we were staring down the barrel of our first Christmas without her, and the festive season just didn’t feel right.
Our first Christmas without Charlotte
That year, we cancelled Christmas.
My husband and I both worked through the holidays. We avoided parties and shopping centres and kept to ourselves. And that was okay, because it was what we needed to do to get through, to survive. We didn’t apologise for it or feel bad about it, and the people who mattered understood.
Keeping Charlotte in our mothers’ group Santa photo
The only ‘Christmassy’ thing I did that year was with my mothers’ group. The year before, we had done a group Santa photo for the kids’ first Christmas, and they decided to do another.
But they didn’t want to do it without Charlotte, so they included her by making a purple heart with her name on it. It was one of the hardest things I did, but I felt like I had honoured her and helped people remember her. That was six years ago, and I haven’t missed a single year since.
I take a photo of her for Santa to hold, and as the other kids have grown up, they talk about her and ask questions. It’s an event I cherish and look forward to every year.
Our second Christmas: finding new ways to cope
Going into our second Christmas without her was different. We had a new baby to introduce to all things Christmas, and we knew we couldn’t ignore the festive season anymore. We had to find new ways to cope better.
What worked for us: how we honour Charlotte at Christmas
These are some of the things we started doing to honour her, but also to keep our sanity:
- Saving her a seat. We have a little place marker that goes on the Christmas table to save her a spot.
- A memory quilt. I made a memory quilt using her clothes, and despite the warmth, I snuggle under it each Christmas night and reflect on the day and how I wished it could’ve been with her.
- Her Christmas stocking. We keep her stocking up, and Santa brings her something to place on her grave.
- Our sad time. We spend a certain amount of time visiting her on Christmas morning, our sad time, where the tears can flow unchecked. Then the rest of the day is for happier thoughts, making memories with her siblings.
- A gift for a little girl her age. Each year I buy an age-appropriate gift and give it to a friend’s little girl who is the same age Charlotte would’ve been.
- A remembrance service. We also attend a remembrance service each year, which tends to put us into a good headspace coming into December.
Remembering Austin too
Unfortunately, last year we also lost a son, Austin, and so we have been able to apply most of our coping strategies for him as well.
It’s okay to not be okay
Overall, we have come to realise it’s okay to not be okay.
We just allowed ourselves to feel or release whatever we needed to. We did what worked best for us. Our strategies may not work for everyone, but they did allow us to survive a season we used to revel in.
Support for bereaved parents
Red Nose is committed to supporting families navigating the complexities of the death of a baby or child. Our specialised bereavement support includes counselling, peer support programs, support groups and resources tailored to individual needs.
