Courtney And Ben’s Story

Our hearts shattered You weren’t going to make it The tears didn’t stop

We were ecstatic
Two and a half years of “trying.”
Those two lines meant the world to us
We started to prepare
Blood tests to confirm everything
We saw the doctor, we went to our first scan
There you were, a cute little 3cm bean
Wriggling around like you literally owned the joint
I cried with so much joy
Ben also had tears! This is rare
Weeks go by
We buy as much as we can
We love Baby Bunting!
Next scan… you’re still a ninja moving around like you own the joint… and to be honest… you did
We buy more
So much more
We announce you were here and ready for arrival in August
Everyone loves you immediately
Next scan
You decided not to wriggle and were cool as a cucumber
Ok, no worries – must be tiring at 8am in the morning being poked to wake up and move around
It’s confirmed… we are in the clear and you’re a…. BOY!
I cry again, with excitement… a mother knows – since we found out you were coming I suspected you were going to be my little man!
We tell our family their first little boy was coming and cooking nicely
A few days goes past and we have all of these amazing plans
What we are going to do, teach you, how we are going to bring you up, and watch you grow.. What a bliss weekend that was… knowing we had a little man.. a mini Ben.. I couldn’t be happier or more proud of a father Ben would become
Monday rolls around and we get called to see the doctor
Our world slightly crumbled
Finding out there was a possible anomaly with our last scan
Our hearts were in our throats
We didn’t know what to do, say or feel
From then on the week was a blur
We couldn’t tell you what we even thought or felt over those next few days
Friday 3rd April a day we will never forget…
Another scan…
A scan that would change our lives forever…
There you were..
It was confirmed… you had Myelomeningocele
This is the most severe case of spina bifida
Your back was open, your spine was exposed, and your spinal cord was not formed properly
You also had Chiari malformation – type two
You already had fluid on the brain…
Our hearts shattered
You weren’t going to make it
The tears didn’t stop
Our stomachs had dropped and we were beyond numb
The weekend went by with so many emotions
Sunday was our last day with you
Monday rolled around
I was admitted into hospital and induced at 3pm
We spoke about you to everyone we came into contact with
They loved you, loved our story, loved your name
You were everything
The contractions started
Bearable
They got worse and worse throughout the night and into the early hours of the morning
They were still bearable compared to the heartbreak and emptiness I felt
The time came
3.31 am you were born
Tuesday 7th April 2020
Stillborn
Breach
25.5cm long
17cm head circumference
To me, you were perfect
We held you for the first time and it was magical
I was wheeled into surgery
An hour went past
I was wheeled back into our room
There you were
In your bassinet
Blue beanie
Wrapped in a silk pocket with a blue crystal Angel
You were surrounded by your teddies and your naming card
You looked so peaceful
So gorgeous
You were my baby boy
We spent the next 48 hours with you by my bedside
We had cuddles
We had kisses
But then it was time to go
Leaving the hospital was hard
It broke me into a million little pieces
Knowing you weren’t with me physically anymore
I know the nurses looked after you over the long weekend
The following week we signed the papers to have you collected and cremated
The next week we picked you up and brought you home
It shatters me every day that you are not here with me in my arms, but I know you are forever on my mind and forever in my heart
Until we meet again
Atreus Stanley

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