Firstly, I thought I would start off with how our beautiful girl was named.
‘Ruby’, is a gem, a precious stone. Paired with ‘Rose’ a beautiful flower symbolising love. ‘Denika’ is a combination of Ruby’s grandmother ‘Denise’ and my sister ‘Nikki’. Two very special people who would have held her hand all throughout her life, and now with the circumstances they hold her heart every day for the rest of their lives.
I had a textbook pregnancy apart from the normal being sick and swollen. At every scan and check-up, I was told Ruby’s heart was perfect, and her size was inline with her gestational age.
Ruby’s due date was April 5th 2020. The night before I said goodnight to my girl and reassured her to come on her due date because mummy and daddy wanted to meet her as soon as possible. I felt her kicks and off to sleep I went.
At 4am on the morning of 5th April, I felt like I was in early labour. When the contractions became more closer together and more painful I knew it was time to go the hospital, as soon as I got out of bed my water broke.
A five-minute drive to the hospital felt like 3 hours, and I knew we were about to meet our baby that had been growing and kicking for 9 months.
Once I arrived at the hospital it was on and everything was normal, as soon as I was placed on the monitor and the nurse at the time was fussing and getting me to move in all sorts of positions to find a heartbeat.
The only heart beat was mine.
She then proceeded to get another doctor to come and check on me, and I was told my daughter could be laying on the cord and I may need an emergency C-section.
Once all the checks were done, I looked over to my husband and I just knew. His face and expression, I relive constantly, the pain in his eyes. He knew his baby girl had passed. He didn’t have the words but I knew.
As I looked over to the doctor, she looked at me and said “I’m sorry your baby has no heart beat” and she will be stillborn.
The person that I once was is a completely different person to who I was when I entered the hospital. I didn’t know grief. I didn’t know what it was like to walk around without my arm or my leg. I do that every day now.
After my traumatic natural delivery and almost haemorrhaging and not making it myself, I choose to believe that not everything happens for a reason. There is simply no reason I didn’t’ walk out with my baby that day and instead hand her over to stranger to be placed in a cold morgue.
There is simply no reason for that.
We live every day in honour of Ruby-Rose and she will never be forgotten.