Telling Subsequent Children About a Sibling Who Died

Why this conversation feels so hard

“One thing that terrifies me about having another child is to have to explain what happened.”¹

It seems clear that the brothers and sisters of a child who has died, whether they were born before or after the tragic event, feel a bond with this child. If you decide to talk to your subsequent children about the baby who died, speak openly, honestly and reassuringly. Most children treasure their knowledge of a sibling who came before them.

“Children’s understanding is very different. It’s not the same heart wrenching reaction that you would feel. The fear of having to share it with your children is because it is confronting to you.”¹

“Kids will deal with it, but they won’t have the same emotion because you dealt with that yourself.”¹

“Kids have a natural curiosity about family history especially when there are monumental events like a child’s death. At times, it is just them asking a question and wanting to know more about their family history and that’s as far as it goes.”¹

“I am conscious that I do not want to inflict the burden of my grief on to my child.”

1. Quote from participants of a series of workshops and interviews with bereaved fathers held in 2015 at Red Nose Grief and Loss, Malvern, Victoria, and Red Nose Grief and Loss offices, Australia

Your subsequent child and their sibling’s memory

Many families find that their living children form a real connection with the brother or sister who died, even if they were born afterwards and never met them. This bond often grows naturally through photos, stories and the way a sibling’s name is woven into everyday family life.

“Thomas has a real connection with Samuel, even though Thomas never knew him. Thomas sees Samuel as his little brother.” – Jenny

“Riley and Emma talk about Jared, even though they never knew him. We have his photos and footprints, and his teddy is on our bedside table. I always talk to them about him.” – Sharon

“My twins are now 6. They know that Molly has died. They have shown her photo to the class during ‘Show and Tell’. They always say that she is their little sister.” – Jill

Sometimes a sibling will draw their own conclusions, and parents may need to gently step in to reassure them.

“Hannah told Thomas, ‘You wouldn’t be here if Samuel hadn’t died.’ Thomas took it very hard. We had to explain to him that we love him very much, and that we would have had him even if Samuel hadn’t died. We didn’t want him to feel second-best.” – Jenny

Finding the words

When it’s time to talk, speaking honestly and in simple, age-appropriate language helps your child understand what happened without unnecessary fear or confusion.

It can help to use the words “dead” and “died” rather than softer phrases like “lost” or “gone to sleep”, which can sometimes create unintended worries for young children.

For very young children, it can help to explain that being dead means the body no longer works, so the person can’t breathe, move, see or feel anymore.

“Be honest, and answer everything irrespective of how difficult it is. Even though you feel you can’t find the words.”

“It’s very important to be honest with children. You just can’t say that someone has gone to sleep. I have always used the words ‘dead’ and ‘died’ when we have been talking about what happened. We shared everything.” – Jenny

Children’s understanding will continue to grow as they get older, and the conversation doesn’t need to happen all at once. There will be many opportunities over the years to talk further as your child’s questions change.

Answering the bigger questions

Children often ask big questions about life, death and what happens afterwards. There’s no single right answer, and it’s okay to share whatever beliefs feel true and comforting for your family, as long as what you say is consistent with what your child already understands about your beliefs.

“When our little boy asks, ‘Where is Molly?’ I say memories are in our hearts.” – Jill

“They’ve got this idea of heaven, because they wanted to believe in it. They say he’s up in the stars. It’s what they want to believe.” – Sharon

It’s also completely okay to say you don’t know. This can actually help your child, showing them that grown-ups don’t have all the answers either, and that it’s normal to keep wondering.

“I couldn’t answer all of the children’s questions. I was trying to figure out my own beliefs. I questioned everything. It’s important to say, ‘I don’t know,’ therefore, your kids don’t see you as invincible. No one really knows.” – Belinda